Sorry I'm so late in posting here! I'm running way behind in catching up with comments in friends' journals!
Anyhow ...
*falls down and worships at Kitt's feet*
Oh ... my ... gosh! This is ... wow!
I love this! You have captured the insanity of "Desert Asp" within the tone of this story ... and, even more, you've captured the single-minded, crafty nature of his evil, too. Even so, you've also managed to make him seem a bit sympathetic. (I know, it sounds pretty stupid for me to say, given how bent he is on revenge and such ...) By describing what he physically went through when the Millenium Items were created, you've set up a plausible reason for his insanity, his evil nature, and his revenge. Sure, he was, likely, not the nicest person in the world, to begin with ... but by showing what he endured as he became the Ring, you've managed to make him seem more three-dimensional and more human. Does this make any sense at all? I think I may not be saying this very well --- sorry.
I love the long sentences. They are almost run-on ... but, they really highlight "Desert Asp's" insanity. The way you wrote it -- almost like a stream-of-consciousness ramble by Desert Asp's mind --- is just brilliant. It really gives a lot of feeling for and insight into this character.
I think you must post this! It is too beautiful and powerful not to. But, I really think you should post it as one chapter. For one thing, as you've pointed out, the story is a bit disjointed. It has to be this way, by its very nature. The reader has to feel a bit unsettled at experiencing Desert Asp's mind and thoughts. But, if you break it up and post the coils separately, I think it would make the story too disjointed. As it stands now, yes, it's disjointed and unsettling ... but it makes sense. If it was split into pieces, I'm not sure it would be as powerful.
And, for another thing ... I love the circle motif you have going here ... the millenium ring ... the continuation of the cycle of Desert Asp's hatred and revenge, along with the continuing circle of his descendants and the pharoh's ... the cycle of life, death, and revenge, all bound together. The way you've started and ended the story --- by repeating the same few sentences in the first and last paragraph --- is perfect, and highlights this circle theme in a very masterful way. If you post the coils separately, though, I think this subtlety might get lost.
But ... that's just my two cents, which, really, probably ain't worth a whole heck of a lot. ^.~
Anyhow, I loved this!! It's beautiful, and I hope you'll post it. Great, great job!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2005-12-30 06:46 pm (UTC)Anyhow ...
*falls down and worships at Kitt's feet*
Oh ... my ... gosh! This is ... wow!
I love this! You have captured the insanity of "Desert Asp" within the tone of this story ... and, even more, you've captured the single-minded, crafty nature of his evil, too. Even so, you've also managed to make him seem a bit sympathetic. (I know, it sounds pretty stupid for me to say, given how bent he is on revenge and such ...) By describing what he physically went through when the Millenium Items were created, you've set up a plausible reason for his insanity, his evil nature, and his revenge. Sure, he was, likely, not the nicest person in the world, to begin with ... but by showing what he endured as he became the Ring, you've managed to make him seem more three-dimensional and more human. Does this make any sense at all? I think I may not be saying this very well --- sorry.
I love the long sentences. They are almost run-on ... but, they really highlight "Desert Asp's" insanity. The way you wrote it -- almost like a stream-of-consciousness ramble by Desert Asp's mind --- is just brilliant. It really gives a lot of feeling for and insight into this character.
I think you must post this! It is too beautiful and powerful not to. But, I really think you should post it as one chapter. For one thing, as you've pointed out, the story is a bit disjointed. It has to be this way, by its very nature. The reader has to feel a bit unsettled at experiencing Desert Asp's mind and thoughts. But, if you break it up and post the coils separately, I think it would make the story too disjointed. As it stands now, yes, it's disjointed and unsettling ... but it makes sense. If it was split into pieces, I'm not sure it would be as powerful.
And, for another thing ... I love the circle motif you have going here ... the millenium ring ... the continuation of the cycle of Desert Asp's hatred and revenge, along with the continuing circle of his descendants and the pharoh's ... the cycle of life, death, and revenge, all bound together. The way you've started and ended the story --- by repeating the same few sentences in the first and last paragraph --- is perfect, and highlights this circle theme in a very masterful way. If you post the coils separately, though, I think this subtlety might get lost.
But ... that's just my two cents, which, really, probably ain't worth a whole heck of a lot. ^.~
Anyhow, I loved this!! It's beautiful, and I hope you'll post it. Great, great job!